Thursday, July 13, 2017

Thursday Movie Picks: Amusement Parks


Last summer I took the family to Busch Gardens. It started raining when we got there, but it was fairly light. Within a few minutes of us getting inside the gates, we were caught in a torrential downpour. I thought we were going to have to build an ark. All the rides shut down and we were busy trying to find someplace to stay dry. We had to settle for not completely soaking wet as we huddled under one those tables with an umbrella sticking out of its middle. After about a half hour the rain slowed before coming to a stop shortly after that. The rides re-opened and we were able to have a great time walking, standing in lines, buying overpriced food, standing in lines, walking, standing in lines some more, and occasionally get to the front of those lines and getting on rides. It's an American tradition.

Around these parts, we have a weekly tradition known as Thursday Movie Picks hosted by Wanderer at Wandering Through the Shelves. And yes, this week's topic is amusement parks. I like them because I love roller coasters. However, I absolutely hate the long lines I have to wait in to ride them, if you couldn't tell. Just thinking about them puts me in a hating mood. That means we have to go there. Where? We're going to talk movies that suck.


Jaws 3-D
(1983)
The original Jaws is a classic. Jaws II is meh, but made a boat load of money. That meant that a third movie in the franchise was inevitable. But what to do? I know, let's move it to SeaWorld and make it 3-D. That'll work. Well, it doesn't. At all. And yes, that's an actual screenshot from the movie. Yeesh. The only redeeming quality of this movie is that it's not Jaws: The Revenge.


Beverly Hills Cop III
(1994)
I love the original Beverly Hills Cop. And since I'm here baring my soul, let it be known that I love Beverly Hills Cop II just as much. This one? In the immortal words of numerous Will Smith characters, "Oh hell naw!" Much of the action takes place in and around the fictional Wonder World to disastrously unfunny effect. As the idiots who made Robocop 3, this is what happens when you take all the bite out of a franchise. Imagine your very favorite meal, perfectly prepared, on the plate in front of you, just waiting to be devoured. Now imagine someone dumping a pitcher of ice cold water on it, handing you a fork, and saying "bon appétit." You'd be ready to take that fork and repeatedly stab that person in the neck. That's how I felt after watching this movie.


The Wedding Ringer
(2015)
Kevin Hart stars as a guy who specializes in standing in as the best man for poor saps with lots of money and no friends or relatives who like him enough to do the job. Seriously. And it's a lucrative business. No, seriously. It's as dumb as it sounds. Worse, it's not funny. Every single joke is Forced with that bold capital F. As if that weren't bad enough, it wasn't even my choice to see this train wreck. The wife and I went on one of those group date things with four or five other couples, all friends of hers. Guess what was the consensus pick. Sigh. Anyhoo, only a small portion of this movie takes place at an amusement park. Our hero has his office underground, beneath one. No, seriously. Since it pissed me off so much it counts. (Full Review)


20 comments:

  1. I've seen bits of The Wedding Ringer but.... not enough to make a valid criticism even though it features Olivia Thirlby. Jaws 3D totally sucked. That screenshot says it all about that fucking movie. Beverly Hills Cop 3. I saw that in the theaters and enjoyed it but as the years have gone by. I cringe when I watch it as it's just not very funny and Eddie was obviously phoning in that performance.

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    1. I wouldn't advise seeing the rest of The Wedding Ringer. Eddie was absolutely phoning it in for BHC3.

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  2. lol what you said about the Jaws movies (though I liked Jaws 2) 3 and 4 were awful.

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  3. I'm LOLing very hard at all of these picks, Dell. I was SO disappointed with Beverly Hills Cop III - the first was amazing, and the second was pretty good, too! But this one was trash. I thought the trailer for The Wedding Ringer made the movie look appallingly awful, so I can't imagine how it would make someone actually want to see it - let alone such a large group!

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    1. It's simple, really. They're all Kevin Hart fans. They were going to pick whatever he's in.

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  4. I was planning on watching the Jaws series but now I'm not that sure anymore

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    1. I'd say watch the first two. Watch the latter two at your own risk.

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  5. I've only seen Jaws 3-D...and only because I was managing the theatre where it was playing. Phew! But since that magnet for crap Dennis Quaid was the star my expectations were low from the start. The other two just looked so execrable I was never tempted though I did really like the original Beverly Hills Cop.

    Well Dell we're in agreement on the lines at amusement parks but not the ride of choice. I hate rollercoasters (it's a very much love it or hate it sort of ride) but love spinny rides. If I get off and I'm dizzy I count the ride a success! I have a similar story to yours where we arrived at Six Flags right at open, went on the giant Ferris Wheel and there was a sudden cloudburst which drenched us since we were at the top. The upside is that since it was early it dissuaded the crowds for about an hour and a half and since we were already sopping we went on all the water rides with zero wait time!

    Your favored ride is the feature of my first pick, Disneyland my last and who the hell knows what is going on in my second!!

    Rollercoaster (1977)-After a rollercoaster derails due to a device placed on the track the major amusement park owners receive a taped message from the mad bomber (Timothy Bottoms) that unless they pay him a million dollars the carnage will continue. Safety inspector Harry Calder (George Segal) who had cleared the first coaster and was investigating the crash is pulled in by FBI agent Hoyt (Richard Widmark) when the nameless young man demands Harry deliver the extortion money to his next target or he’ll detonate another bomb. Suspenseful but not quite the experience it was in theatres where it was presented in Sensurround.

    The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)-I really can’t better this IMDB description: "Jerry falls in love with a stripper he meets at a carnival. Little does he know that she is the sister of a gypsy fortune teller whose predictions he had scoffed at earlier. The gypsy turns him into a zombie and he goes on a killing spree."

    Or the tagline:
    SEE: the dancing girls of the carnival murdered by the incredible night creatures of the midway! SEE: the hunchback of the midway fight a duel of death with the mixed up zombies! SEE: the world's first monster musical!

    It’s not good but it’s unique!

    40 Pounds of Trouble (1962)-Sixties version of the Damon Runyon story Little Miss Marker about a little girl left in Lake Tahoe casino manager’s Steve McCluskey (Tony Curtis) care as a hold against the debt owed by her father. When the father is rubbed out Steve with the help of the casino’s singer Chris Lockwood (Suzanne Pleshette) has to look after the tyke and dodge various people after him for different reasons. They decide to take the little one to Disneyland (at this point open less than 10 years) and between rides are chased through the park offering a pretty complete picture of what the place looked like in the 60’s. Cute comedy where unsurprisingly being mostly a Disney movie all ends happily.

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    1. Cool story about Six Flags.

      I just started hearing about Rollercoaster recently. Sounds like classic 70s disaster fare. I'm game.

      I have to see The Incredibly Strange Creatures. That is so in my wheelhouse.

      I've never heard of that last one.

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  6. I haven't seen any of these and probably won't but I always enjoy your list. I remember going to Canada's Wonderland one year and getting into a ride only for a torrential downpour to hit then and there. I was stuck in the little car along with my friend. When it passed, the ride started and getting really soaked when the car went upside down and all the water around my feet to go all over me.

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  7. Interesting picks, I think I've seen the last two picks.

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    1. You didn't miss anything if you haven't.

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  8. Man, these are some solid picks.

    I actually hate everything about amusement parks (I get dizzy INSTANTLY), so I'm feeling you with all these picks. I know it has nothing to do with the theme, but I'm like Michael Douglas in the first ten minutes of Falling Down any time I go to one. Madness. Absolute madness.

    I really can't remember shit about either of the Part 3s you mentioned, and I haven't seen The Wedding Ringer...yet. Though the combination of Hart and Gad seems like a really bad idea. Really bad.

    Group Date, huh? Tell me more!

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    1. Thanks.

      Falling Down is just nuts. I love it.

      It's a terrible idea. Really terrible.

      Not much to tell. We saw a bad movie, went to an overpriced burger joint, and called it a night.

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  9. Oh man, that one scene in The Wedding Ringer at the carnival REALLY makes me cringe.

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  10. Don't think I've seen any of these, they don't look great...and I guess I made the right choice.

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